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(no subject)

May 5th, 2006 (09:09 am)

current mood: blah

*sighs* You would think I wouldn't be scared of anything, much less scared of seeing Atsushi. I blame myself for what happened to him. Probably more than Hide does. I know he's probably never going to talk to me again. If it were up to him, I would never see Atsushi again. Anyway, I did see Atsushi. I was shaking most of the time, but I don't think he noticed. He seems to be okay to a point. I know that what happened is still there. I want to talk to Toll about one, getting him out of that dorm for a while, and maybe into counciling. Something. Well, I've got some work to do, and I need to get a hold of Yutaka and find out if and when he's coming back.

(no subject)

March 11th, 2006 (11:34 pm)

Well first Happy Belated Siren! Been too busy to even say happy birthday to Acchan. But that's okay, I'll find time. Toll won't mind my leaving for a couple days. With everything going on, nothing has been right. I guess Yutaka went back to Gunma. Suppose we were too hard on him? I don't know. He was being a brat anyway. And he said he would never abandon the band. I guess I was wrong to believe him. What would people do in this situation? I mean, we lost one vocalist to gain another, but I don't think we're going to be able to replace Yutaka... oh well, he'll return when he's ready. On the subject on Acchan though...hopefully, he's doing better. I know that Hoshino is very testy right now. I don't even know if he'll talk to anyone. I know he won't talk to me right now. Even if nothing is my fault. I'm not worried about it right now. Actually, I'm almost drunk...so with that, I say goodnight.

(no subject)

January 24th, 2006 (12:51 pm)

Happy Birthday Yutaka

(no subject)

January 16th, 2006 (07:39 pm)

Don't leave me alone
lost to myself
Don't leave me here
with this knife in my chest
It's not my fault
It is my fault
I'll do what you want
Just don't leave me alone
My heart hurts
Loving and hating
Never resenting
Knowing things are broken
Should I die with it
Can I be forgiven
Locked in my own reality
Away from you
Begging to have you
Have my life back
But you leave me alone
Lost to myself
Lost to my dreams
Lost to you

I don't know why I wrote this...I know but I don't want to face it. I can't face this right now. I don't want to be here...I don't want to be...

(no subject)

January 8th, 2006 (02:08 pm)

current mood: annoyed

Sometimes my thoughts and my mouth move before I can even start to stop it. I made a stupid mistake the other night and I know I won't live it down for a while. I deserved what happened after it but I don't know if I deserve to be forgiven for any of it. I can't believed I called his name while I was with someone else. It didn't help that he called me on the way home. It's easy to ignore a phone call and say to someone to call back, but this one...there was no way. None. He knew what he was doing. But I had to tell him it was over. Toll made me. It wasn't his intention...but I did what he asked of me. As stupid as it was, I did it. But to be forgiven by them both. It feels like I'm on the right track again, but then...I fear that I may do something like that again. What if things don't work out right? What if this all comes back to bite me in the ass? I guess it's my own fault. I'm scared of what all this will become if everything goes wrong.

Matters got worse when we went out. I wasn't really all that drunk, but I am not one to deny him. Can anyone deny him? Anyway, we were in the hallway of his dorm building and out comes Yutaka. Let's just say we weren't in the most innocent of positions. Things didn't seem clear even after we tried to explain it to him. It didn't get any better. I had to leave or I was going to beat the living hell out of him. It was almost like he was hell bent on blaming us for driving him insane. What he needs is to get laid. I mean big time. Maybe it will calm down or something. But that is crazy. He's flunking out of school because he's being lazy. That is not the Yutaka I know. He's the one that kept us on track. But things change. It's not my fault really. But in the end of it all, he pissed Atsushi off as well. Atsushi takes things to heart and he's not going to let go of it for a while. Which is going to be hell on the rest of us. I just hope nothing else goes wrong.

(no subject)

January 5th, 2006 (12:46 pm)

current mood: sleepy

I'm so tired. Been home for a couple days and honestly, I want to just sleep. Seeing the dean sometime this week among other things. I know that whatever happens is going to be bad, but it's my fault. I knew better but with my mood didn't help me when I did what I did. If Atsushi didn't show up when he did I don't think I'd be around to write this. I just wish the hospital I go to didn't have to report me to the school. If they don't kick me out, I'll be lucky. On the lighter side of it all, I'm moving in with Toll. All I hope is that I'm not that much of a distraction. *laughs* I won't be that annoying... It's nice to know that I can wake up with him and not have to leave afterwards. I do have to get my things though. I'll work on that too.

private thoughtsCollapse )

Anyway, I'm bored and there's something I can do for a moment until I get hold of Toll. Maybe I should go visit people while I'm at it.

(no subject)

December 11th, 2005 (09:31 pm)

Jingle bells Yutaka smells
Hide laid an egg
Toll's mobile lost a wheel
and Atsushi takes ballet

God this stuff I was asked to try is a hell of a lot strong than what I usually take. *laughs* Fun...but anyway...I thought I'd pretend to be in the Christmas spirit.

(no subject)

December 4th, 2005 (02:29 pm)

current mood: calm

I thought I would go home this weekend. See my family, maybe work in the store for a bit. It's so nice to be there sometimes. To be Hisashi and not have to worry about the things that go with that name and all. Where I don't have to live up to specific expectations. Where I don't have to worry about the dramas that are surrounding me on a daily basis. My mom and I had a talk. I told her everything that was bothering me. At first there was a look of surprise, but then her smile. She told me to be who I am. Not to let anything get to me and find comfort in my friends. No matter how hard that is sometimes. It's nice to know that my family supports me through all this. I would hate to disappoint them.

I also saw my childhood friend as well. It's been a while since we talked, but it was nice to sit around and have a couple drinks. I found out he's getting married. Times surely have changed. But I won't miss that wedding if I can. He's also happy that the band as gotten as far as it has. I honestly hope it stays like this. That we stay as a band intact for a long time. But you never know. Everyone off doing their own thing now also slightly bothers me. But we have to be away from each other too in order for all to work as it should. I went and saw Yutaka and Toll's family while I was there. They were actually surprised that I came by. They seemed particulary intersted in how we were all getting along. And if we were as successful as Yutaka said we would be. I laugh at that. The kid had plans of greatness before we ever made it that far.

I wanted to go see Acchan's mom. I haven't seen her since we graduated. But I had to pack up and come home. Home is still the way it was. Calming with little problems. I want to go back and stay longer next time. Maybe It'll get my mind of other things for a while. Anyway, since I'm home...I know that a few people want to meet up and do a few things, I'm willing to go. I don't have any work. It's nice to unwind and then unwinding even more when you come back to this hell hole of a school. Anyway, I have to make sure I'm stashed and all.

Things aren't as they should be

November 28th, 2005 (02:20 pm)

current mood: aggravated

I can't even start to say how I feel about this "issue" that came up. It took a bit for me to calm down after Hide called me. This isn't my fight, but I can't help but feel like it's slightly my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have been so prickish about him. But I honestly can't help how I feel about people. I thought giving the man my respect would at least let him know I was okay with this. I thought that maybe this asshole wouldn't hurt him. I'm trying so hard not to track his ass down and kill him. I keep thinking that this is all a dream One big ass nightmared loop that's playing.

I managed to get Yutaka to stay with me and Toll while I was at his place. He looks like hell. He wants to move out the dorm he's at because of this. I don't blame him. But now I don't know what to do. I can only help so much, within the limits I have. Maybe we needt to all come together and work on getting his mind off this. It was hard leaving him sleeping last night. I realize that I worry over him much.

private thoughtsCollapse )

*sighs* I need to get to class, then work. Then I have to work on a few compositions for Atsushi.


November 25th, 2005 (06:44 pm)
current mood: awake

Met this Hakuei kid. He's quieter than Hidesan. But sweet. He told me that he wanted to you know...play the guitar, so I think I'll teach him what I know. Although, it's kind of hard for me to when I trained myself left handed. I get confused with right handed guitars. But I'll teach what I can. Maybe Hide can help out a bit. We got a show this weekend which I'm not completely ready for, but it's good I'm happy to know that. Ultimately that means everyone will be together drinking at the end of that. Happily drunk mind you. Which could also get me into trouble. But of course, because of Toll I'll tone it down. I'm not going to be the one messing with everyone anymore. Although it's fun sometimes. I said I was going to redecorate Toll's house. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do first. He made sure I wouldn't touch his office. *smirks* In one of his beautiful Toll ways. So I'm out of that room for a while. It won't last long. By the time he notices, I'll probably have moved in. Anyway, I've got one last run through with this play and a rehearsal with the band before we do anything else.

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